Bah, Humbug? Not in Hamburg!

For an American raised on shopping-mall Santas and Christmas Eve drives through the suburbs to ogle people’s decorated houses, there’s nothing quite like walking around a German Weihnachtsmarkt, or Christmas market.

Unlike Oktoberfest, which is really a Bavarian thing, Christmas markets are found in cities and villages throughout Germany every December, with some stretching into the new year. Berlin, Dresden, Frankfurt, Nuremberg and others, they all have markets.

There is a small bar in Lüneburg called the Saltzkontor. It is owned by a German man and his Brazilian wife. He is totally chill behind the bar doing his thing, listening to Boston or Bob Segar. His thing is mixing up cocktails. These are the best cocktails in Lüneburg, possibly Germany. They are made with real fresh fruit and juice. They are also not too expensive.

The weird thing about the Saltzkontor is that they have lots of stupid rules printed in the menu and on signs on the walls. Don’t smoke outside in front of the door. Close the windows at 8pm. If she brings chips to the table, they are complimentary, but if you ask for them first, they cost money. Put your fruit rinds in the small bowl provided or on your napkin if it is not provided.

The picture here describes just 4 of the house rules. They make sense I guess, but the way in which they are presented to the patrons is a bit “fascho”.
1: Don’t annoy the boss (her) or the bartender with questions of a personal nature.

2: Smoking pipes, cannabis, cigarillos, cigars and self rolled cigarettes is VERBOTEN. Filter cigarettes are allowed.

3: Minors under the age of 18 are not allowed in the smoking section.

4: Don’t depose jackets, purses and backpacks in the way. “Risk of Accident”

The lady has a real attitude problem. It’s kind of hard to understand her German and she gets frustrated and pissed off having to repeat herself. Some guests have been known to get a smack upside the head for not being able to quickly choose a drink from the extensive menu or asking too many questions about the ingredients. And then if you try to be polite and follow the rules, she might take a shine to you and start telling you all kinds of things that you really don’t understand or even want to know.

It’s entertaining.

There is often no free tables and she will kick you out if it is full.

The drinks are great. Check it out.

I’ve imagined doing lots of things to GWBush. Most involved fists, knives and ninjas. However, none of my fantasy death scenarios* involved throwing my shoes at him.

*Dear Secret Service agents reading my blog, please notice that my fantasies are just that, fantasies. I would never in a million bajillion years ever seriously consider doing any sort of harm to dear old 43. I just don’t have the kind of access that you do. But man, if I were in your position though, it would be hard not to consider the possibilities…..
I keed, I keed.

sorta.

I hate December and the general pre-Christmas season. In my room I have no Christmas decorations. It is a refuge from the storm. I haven’t had time to do anything, much less post on this world famous blog. As a penance I offer a walrus playing saxophone.

I love it when they spend tons of money on scientific studies that prove what everybody already knows.

Germans are more pessimistic about the future than other Europeans, new information from the 25th annual Data Report from the Social Science Research Centre revealed this week.

This is nothing new at all.

Actually there are plenty of Germans who live for the day, hope for the best and are a joy to be around. I live with one*. However, they are often considered weirdos.

*See what I did there? 😉

One night last week at about 1:30 in the morning, I woke up to the sound of splashing liquid and muffled laughter. Through our window I saw some drunken teenagers down on the street below trying to steal our bench. I banged on the window loudly and scared them off.

As I was about to crawl back into bed, I remembered, “Wait, what was that water sound?” I looked down the stairs at our front entrance and realized some asshole had stuck his dick through our mail slot and pissed all over the inside of our front hallway. The rug was all wet about 5 feet inwards and it stank.

That rug really tied the room together.

I pulled on my shoes and a jacket and hopped on my bike and drove around for 5 minutes trying to find the fuckers, but the streets were deserted. I went home and pulled up the rug and mopped it all up and sprayed disinfectant. I went back to bed but I was so upset and riled up that I couldn’t sleep.

This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.

However, I am afraid what I would have done to the kid had I caught him. He probably would have gone for a cold swim in the Ilmenau.

Congratulations to Barack Obama. I haven’t felt this happy in years. This is one of those days where you get a warm fuzzy feeling in your heart because you are American. I think it is called pride. Some people around these parts don’t get it, but this is an amazing moment in history. If you are like me, you shed a few tears today. You will probably tell your children about it someday. I wish I was in America today.

To those who didn’t vote for Obama, and are now scared/disappointed/angry/nauseous, I know how you feel. I felt like that for 8 long soul-crushing and embarrassing years. Don’t worry, it’ll get better.

Funny thing. These two men battle each other tooth and nail, only for the winner to be awarded with a bucket of shit, handed to them by the Bush Administration.

Now the really hard work begins.

Update: WTF California??? You are seriously harshing my buzz, brah.

Please go vote. This is a historic election, no matter who wins. If you are undecided and want my advice, vote Obama. I like John McCain, I really do. He was my favorite Republican back in 2000, but his time is passed. Maybe if he had chosen a different running mate, I dunno. The Palin choice really shows a serious lack of judgment. This is not a poker game. If McCain, God forbid, were to die in office, Palin would be president. She would then be in control of our armed forces and have easy access to the nuke codes. THE NUKE CODES. Do you really want to face that kind of reality?

Think about that.