Das Lächeln ist Ungesund

Don’t Smile Too Much, German Shop Assistants Warned

Are you fucking kidding me?

A German psychologist has warned “professional smilers” such as flight attendants and shop assistants that too much forced smiling can cause stress, depression and even heart problems. It’s unlikely to become a major health issue though — German customer service isn’t renowned for its friendliness.

Emphasis added by me. German shop assistants aren’t that bad, but if you had one that acted like a bubbly perky American clerk, you would think something was wrong. There is nothing unusual about a cashier having an attitude that ranges from dour to surly. I was contemplating this the other day at Rossmann as the cashier threw my change and receipt in roughly my general direction after making my purchase.

I think this whole smiling business might be one of those made-up German afflictions, like a Kreislaufstörung, or Anemophobia (fear of drafts). Germans are always opening and closing windows. On one hand they are scared of the draft (Es zieht! Mach das Fenster zu!) and on the other, they are always lüften-ing the room out (Ach, mein Kreislauf! Mach das Fenster auf!). That’s why German windows are so sturdy and kick-ass. They need to be with all that opening and closing.

If German passengers could open the windows on a Boing 747 mid-flight, they would. I wonder what the other astronauts had to do to keep Hans Schlegel from trying to open the windows in the International Space Station? (Ach komm schon! Nur ein bisschen Luft schnappen!) Well, actually, it looks like he didn’t get his wish. He was sick for one of his scheduled spacewalks.

Schlegel, 56, was diagnosed with an undisclosed illness as the shuttle docked with the space station.

You know what that means. Kreislaufstörung.

German Woman Have Breasts

Allen High School German students get an eyeful.

“Oh, it was obvious. Naked women, you know, breasts, right out there in your face. … It’s shocking.”

Jeez, get a grip lady. The picture in the video leads me to believe that you are exaggerating just a bit. I often forget that a lot of Americans are prude like this, that nude female breasts are a big scandalous deal. In most of the world, breasts just sorta…happen or something. Someone should give these people a subscription to the Bild Zeitung. Hmm, then again, maybe not. These people can’t afford to be any dumber than they already are.

Saufen, Grillen, Spazieren, Streichen

Last weekend was a 3-dayer in Germany. The reason was Pentecost. For some reason, in Germany, where, according to Spiegel, less than half of the population believes in life after death, the day when the Holy Spirit filled the Apostles with wisdom and cloves of fire danced on their heads, is a holiday. Actually, it is probably the day that the apostles got their hands on some really good shit and decided to have a rave in the desert, but here at Chillmost.com, we don’t question the wisdom or motives of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is our strong faith in the Creator that keeps us on the path of righteousness and helps us resist the wickedness. Heathen concepts such as evolution, the fossil record and carbon dating, have no place here, even though they may be based on insurmountable logic and evidence deduced by the very brains the Good Lord gave us. God put the dinosaur bones under the dirt to test our faith. Amen.

So anyway, like I was saying, It was a 3-day weekend.

Friday night I swung by the Hausbar. I’ve been going there a bit more then usual because it is one of the few bars in Lüneburg with good music – Seriously, where else in Lüneburg are you gonna hear Waylon Jennings, Bonnie Prince Billy and Brian Eno within 10 minutes? While I was there, I met a musician called Jamison Young. He’s Australian, based in Prague and living in Oslo. After having a very long and in-depth discussion about publishing rights and Creative Commons, we walked around Lüneburg a bit more to a few other pubs. He said he needed a place to stay the night. After determining that he wasn’t some psychotic drifter that would stab me in my sleep and steal all my stuff, I let him crash on my couch. I slept upstairs with one eye open. Go to his site and listen to some tunes. You can download them for free.

On Saturday, he bought me breakfast and headed on his way. He had a show that night somewhere in Belgium and had a train to catch. In the afternoon, Jens, Steffi, Meike and I drove out to Bleckede and had a picnic/BBQ under a huge tree right on the bank of the Elbe river. The Grilleimer was in full effect. In the evening we all went to Schröder’s Biergarten for a drink. It was a fine time.

On Sunday, Mother’s Day, we went with Meike’s parents out to the Wiesen Café in Natendorf/Oldendorf II (I guess they can’t decide what village they are in) for Kaffee und Kuchen. If you are unfamiliar with German culture, you may not be familiar with the concept of Kaffee und Kuchen. Every Sunday afternoon in every café in Germany, it is time for Kaffee und Kuchen. Seriously, don’t keep a German from their goddamn Kaffee und Kuchen. If you are vomiting blood in the middle of a German café on a Sunday afternoon and need immediate medical attention, you are shit out of luck, dude. Not until the last Tropf of Kaffee has been geschluckt is anybody going to give a fuck about you and your problem. If you have the misfortune of being with a German on a Sunday afternoon with no café in the vicinity, you may get you arm gnawed off or, at the least, have to deal with a very surly German.

On Monday, I painted over graffiti on the exterior of our house and caulked silicone sealant around my shower. It was exciting. Afterwards my hands and arms were covered in silicone and I spent hours getting it off of me. It was like peeling thousands of stubborn boogers off of my skin.

Then I went to Candy Mountain.

Uh, how much to show us your thingies?

I dunno, it sounds like bullshit. If I was 13, stole my dad’s credit card and was holed up in a hotel room with $3,000 cash and some high class hookers, I’m pretty sure I would have thought of better ways to pass the time other than playing Xbox.

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a “World of Warcraft” tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them…

creative, but you still fail, loser.

…Ralph’s ambition is to one day become a politician.

Well, something tells me he’s on the fast track. Maybe a politician can mentor him and show him what hookers are for.