One night last week at about 1:30 in the morning, I woke up to the sound of splashing liquid and muffled laughter. Through our window I saw some drunken teenagers down on the street below trying to steal our bench. I banged on the window loudly and scared them off.

As I was about to crawl back into bed, I remembered, “Wait, what was that water sound?” I looked down the stairs at our front entrance and realized some asshole had stuck his dick through our mail slot and pissed all over the inside of our front hallway. The rug was all wet about 5 feet inwards and it stank.

That rug really tied the room together.

I pulled on my shoes and a jacket and hopped on my bike and drove around for 5 minutes trying to find the fuckers, but the streets were deserted. I went home and pulled up the rug and mopped it all up and sprayed disinfectant. I went back to bed but I was so upset and riled up that I couldn’t sleep.

This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.

However, I am afraid what I would have done to the kid had I caught him. He probably would have gone for a cold swim in the Ilmenau.