Allen High School German students get an eyeful.

“Oh, it was obvious. Naked women, you know, breasts, right out there in your face. … It’s shocking.”

Jeez, get a grip lady. The picture in the video leads me to believe that you are exaggerating just a bit. I often forget that a lot of Americans are prude like this, that nude female breasts are a big scandalous deal. In most of the world, breasts just sorta…happen or something. Someone should give these people a subscription to the Bild Zeitung. Hmm, then again, maybe not. These people can’t afford to be any dumber than they already are.

Last weekend was a 3-dayer in Germany. The reason was Pentecost. For some reason, in Germany, where, according to Spiegel, less than half of the population believes in life after death, the day when the Holy Spirit filled the Apostles with wisdom and cloves of fire danced on their heads, is a holiday. Actually, it is probably the day that the apostles got their hands on some really good shit and decided to have a rave in the desert, but here at Chillmost.com, we don’t question the wisdom or motives of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is our strong faith in the Creator that keeps us on the path of righteousness and helps us resist the wickedness. Heathen concepts such as evolution, the fossil record and carbon dating, have no place here, even though they may be based on insurmountable logic and evidence deduced by the very brains the Good Lord gave us. God put the dinosaur bones under the dirt to test our faith. Amen.

So anyway, like I was saying, It was a 3-day weekend.

Friday night I swung by the Hausbar. I’ve been going there a bit more then usual because it is one of the few bars in Lüneburg with good music – Seriously, where else in Lüneburg are you gonna hear Waylon Jennings, Bonnie Prince Billy and Brian Eno within 10 minutes? While I was there, I met a musician called Jamison Young. He’s Australian, based in Prague and living in Oslo. After having a very long and in-depth discussion about publishing rights and Creative Commons, we walked around Lüneburg a bit more to a few other pubs. He said he needed a place to stay the night. After determining that he wasn’t some psychotic drifter that would stab me in my sleep and steal all my stuff, I let him crash on my couch. I slept upstairs with one eye open. Go to his site and listen to some tunes. You can download them for free.

On Saturday, he bought me breakfast and headed on his way. He had a show that night somewhere in Belgium and had a train to catch. In the afternoon, Jens, Steffi, Meike and I drove out to Bleckede and had a picnic/BBQ under a huge tree right on the bank of the Elbe river. The Grilleimer was in full effect. In the evening we all went to Schröder’s Biergarten for a drink. It was a fine time.

On Sunday, Mother’s Day, we went with Meike’s parents out to the Wiesen Café in Natendorf/Oldendorf II (I guess they can’t decide what village they are in) for Kaffee und Kuchen. If you are unfamiliar with German culture, you may not be familiar with the concept of Kaffee und Kuchen. Every Sunday afternoon in every café in Germany, it is time for Kaffee und Kuchen. Seriously, don’t keep a German from their goddamn Kaffee und Kuchen. If you are vomiting blood in the middle of a German café on a Sunday afternoon and need immediate medical attention, you are shit out of luck, dude. Not until the last Tropf of Kaffee has been geschluckt is anybody going to give a fuck about you and your problem. If you have the misfortune of being with a German on a Sunday afternoon with no café in the vicinity, you may get you arm gnawed off or, at the least, have to deal with a very surly German.

On Monday, I painted over graffiti on the exterior of our house and caulked silicone sealant around my shower. It was exciting. Afterwards my hands and arms were covered in silicone and I spent hours getting it off of me. It was like peeling thousands of stubborn boogers off of my skin.

Then I went to Candy Mountain.

I dunno, it sounds like bullshit. If I was 13, stole my dad’s credit card and was holed up in a hotel room with $3,000 cash and some high class hookers, I’m pretty sure I would have thought of better ways to pass the time other than playing Xbox.

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a “World of Warcraft” tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them…

creative, but you still fail, loser.

…Ralph’s ambition is to one day become a politician.

Well, something tells me he’s on the fast track. Maybe a politician can mentor him and show him what hookers are for.

My Lüneburger pal and skate rat, Bastian, hipped me to a new blog, Nothing For Ungood. It is written by an American who basically tells it how it is in Germany from an American point of view. Sort of. For example, did you know that 100% of Germans hate root beer? Or that 100% of Germans hate air conditioning with a passion?

Really, it is everything this blog wishes it could be, but is not.

Oh, the lulz.

Check out my flickr page.

In the span of one week I was pulled over twice by the cops. I wasn’t doing anything wrong but they were just picking random people and hassling them looking for drugs and whatnot. It’s what they call an Allgemeine Verkehrskontrolle.

The first instance was last Tuesday morning while driving through the lovely village of Wetzen on my way to work at 8:45. They checked my papers and stuff and asked me when the last time I had done drugs. I don’t know what on Earth would make them think I have ever done them at all, but I answered with the totally truly truthful answer of, “Hmmm, let’s see. This is 2008……Hmmmm….Years ago.” He kinda gave me one of those “yeah, right” looks. I don’t understand why. He also wanted to know if I had drunk alcohol within the last 24 hours. Nein. It was two cops. The older cop was about my age and the younger one looked like his voice just changed and it was his very first day on the job. They said thanks and I was on my way.

The second instance was last Saturday night on the way back from Hamburg. The police blocked the entire Autobahn and diverted all the cars into a rest-stop and ordered them to park. They were checked for proper license and registration, first-aid kit, Warndreieck and signs of drugs and alcohol.

German cops think it is funny if you say things like, “I’m reaching into my glove compartment”, or “May I exit the vehicle?” He asked to see my Warndreieck (which I stupidly keep in the trunk, affording them a look without needing a warrant Say, what are all those bricks wrapped in duct tape?). When I asked to get out he replies, “Sure, we’re not in America.” Uh, ha ha ha. “I know, but I am American and that’s how I do it.” *looks at my license* “Ahhhhh. Alles Klar. That’s why you are acting so cautious.”

“How long have you been in Germany?”

“Almost 7 Years.”

“You speak very good German.”

Usually my standard answer to this remark is, “So do you”. However, considering that we were engaged in this idle chitchat while he was getting the breathalyzer machine set up, I decided to just say thanks.

Needless to say, I passed the breathalyzer with flying colors.

Good thing they didn’t do a cavity check though.

Zing!!

I kid, I kid. War nur ein Witz!

You know how American celebrities do strange advertising campaigns in foreign countries? Snoop is no exception.

Biker Turf War Escalating in Germany

The Bandidos and the Hell’s Angels are waging all-out war for dominance in Germany. Court testimony by a former member — who crossed his gang and is now living in protective custody — is providing frightening details about these secretive societies.

Uh…The Bandidos? Rumor has it, they like to shoot bazookas at rival gangs’ clubhouses.

We got back into Hamburg last Saturday at around noon. The jetlag killed me for a few days but I’m back in action. The last few days in Connecticut and New York were a bit of a whirlwind. Sorry if I didn’t get to see you when I was in town. There was a lot of running around.

Thanks to everybody who let us crash at your place or lent us a car or bought us food and drinks. It was good to see you all. You know who your are.

St. Patrick’s Day in St. Louis. My parents flew in for the celebration. It’s kind of fuzzy but fun was had by all. It rained like crazy while we were there. We bought records down in University City at Vintage Vinyl. It was great to see all the family.

In Chicago it snowed about 7-10 inches after we arrived. We went to the old neighborhoods and I saw a lot of old friends. We went to the Art Institute and saw the Edward Hopper and Winslow Homer exhibits. Cool stuff.

Now we are on our way to Connecticut and New York.

I am not one of them. I lack the required amount of ironic T-shirts and tattoos.

I swear, half of Williamsburg was on the plane from NYC down to Austin.

We are here to visit my sister, brother-in-law and their family.

While we were here the South By Southwest music conference has been going on. Naturally we checked out a couple of shows. We have seen and heard a lot of great music this week. This fest is unlike anything I have experienced before. We’ve seen Hopewell, Witch, The Black Angels, Blood On The Wall, The Raveonettes, The Noisettes, Yo la Tengo, The Atlas Sound, Phosphorescent and Shearwater and many many more.

Yesterday was a Texas day. This is a day on which all of the following must happen: shooting of various high-powered firearms, eating barbecue and seeing Willie Nelson perform. It was awesome. My sister Betsy even got to shake his hand.

Tomorrow we fly to St. Louis to see what kind of trouble we can get into.