Measuring Cow Farts in the Name of Science

The Cow Is a Climate Bomb

Whether cattle are reared organically or with conventional farming methods, the end effect is bad for the environment, according to a new German consumer report. The agricultural lobby, however, is preventing politicians from tackling this massive source of greenhouse gas emissions.

I don’t really know what to think about this. I mean, I know the meat industry is bad, what with the beef hormones and the inhumane treatment and all that. And I understand the point about how the meat/agricultural industry contributes heavily to greenhouse gases. I get it. If you choose to be vegetarian for these reasons alone, I respect that.

The thing is, there is an accompanying picture to the article showing a cow with an inflatable plastic bag or tank strapped to its bag, which I assume is full of cow farts. Which, I can only further assume, means that there is some sort of hose or tube shoved up the poor cow’s ass. Now, assuming this is true, and hey, I’m not a climate expert doing research in the field, there had to be a period of trial and error developing the best functioning apparatus for catching cow farts but not the cow shit. I know, I’m over thinking this. The “installing” and maintenance of this “Furzempfänger“, if you will, is most probably a job that falls to the lowest of research assistants.

Research assistant job interview:
Scientist: So, what do you hope to accomplish in your research?
Candidate: I wanna help solve today’s problems for future generations to come.
Scientist: Do you like cows? *wink*
Candidate: Um, sure.
Scientist: Good, good.

Another thing, I think if this was discussed on CNN or the Nightly News with Brian Williams, they would probably say the word “flatulence” or “methane gas emissions” instead of what we all know what they are talking about: cow farts. I heard a discussion of this story on Deutschland Radio yesterday on the drive to work. This is a serious newscast, not your wacky morning zoo type of program. They used the word “Kuhfurze” and discussed how the volume of cow farts had to be measured and analyzed. Each time they said this, there was a very faint but noticeable quiver in the reporter’s composure. He wanted to laugh, but he held it together. Gut gemacht, Junge!