Notes from Germany
I am an American expat living in Germany. It's a far away land on the other side of the ocean. It's interesting and often weird here. If you read this and want to comment then email me at nate(the at symbol)chillmost.com. If you find any spelling or grammar mistakes, you can keep them.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Whoa, Dude.
Two items of discussion today.
- Amsterdam. Dude, that Amsterdam shit will knock you on your ass and make your brain stem sizzle. The coffee is good too. I took lots of pictures. I also attended my first MeFi-Meetup. We watched the Dutch football team get beat by the Russians. The facility where we saw it was awesome. It was in a restaurant on the top floor of a building directly on the harbor called Restaurant 11. There was a tremendous view over the city. It is also a nightclub and the game was shown in a huge room with several huge screens along the walls. It was great. Unfortunately the building is being demolished in just a few days so it was one of the last events taking place there.
If you go to Amsterdam, you may be tempted to go on one of those big fancy canal cruises with the huge canal barge where some boring schmuck drones into a microphone. Resist that temptation and book a ride with the St. Nicholas Boat Club. You will not be sorry. This is the tour for those that want to see the real Amsterdam. It is totally relaxed and you can drink, eat and smoke whatever you want on the boat.
If you are looking for a place to stay in Amsterdam, you may be tempted to book a room at an expensive hotel or hostel. Resist that temptation and book a room with citymundo.com. You can rent housboats, rooms, houses and more for a reasonable price.
Amsterdam is famous for, among other things, its red-light district and coffee shops. There is much more though to see. That being said, it is fun to go to the red light district around 5pm, grab a beer at a corner pub and then sit down outside or at the window and just watch people go by. It's fun to watch families from the Midwest find themselves in there and have their children ask questions like, "Why are those women standing there in their underwear?" Good times. - European Football Championship
In case you have been living in a cave or just in the Western Hemisphere, you may not know that the European Football Championship is going on. The final is on Sunday and it will be between Germany and Spain. Whenever Germany wins, there is a party. Being the exemplary cultural ambassador that I am, I have been doing my part and joining in the festivities.
The semi-final between Turkey and Germany provided interesting commentary. For some reason there seem to be a lot of German employees calling in sick recently. Almost every bar in town has a big screen tv set up for the games. It has been a boon to the local economy. We'll shall see who the champions are on Sunday.
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Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Made Out of Meat
Hello Earthlings, Thanks to those that keep stopping by in anticipation of a new message from the cosmos. Alas, this message will be short. Me and the XX meat based sentient unit are escaping for a long weekend to a city you know as Amsterdam. In our absence I leave you with some non meat-based musical entertainment. Enjoy.
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Thursday, June 12, 2008
Good To Know
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Monday, May 19, 2008
Das Lächeln ist Ungesund
Don't Smile Too Much, German Shop Assistants WarnedAre you fucking kidding me?
A German psychologist has warned "professional smilers" such as flight attendants and shop assistants that too much forced smiling can cause stress, depression and even heart problems. It's unlikely to become a major health issue though -- German customer service isn't renowned for its friendliness.Emphasis added by me. German shop assistants aren't that bad, but if you had one that acted like a bubbly perky American clerk, you would think something was wrong. There is nothing unusual about a cashier having an attitude that ranges from dour to surly. I was contemplating this the other day at Rossmann as the cashier threw my change and receipt in roughly my general direction after making my purchase.
I think this whole smiling business might be one of those made-up German afflictions, like a Kreislaufstörung, or Anemophobia (fear of drafts). Germans are always opening and closing windows. On one hand they are scared of the draft (Es zieht! Mach das Fenster zu!) and on the other, they are always lüften-ing the room out (Ach, mein Kreislauf! Mach das Fenster auf!). That's why German windows are so sturdy and kick-ass. They need to be with all that opening and closing.
If German passengers could open the windows on a Boing 747 mid-flight, they would. I wonder what the other astronauts had to do to keep Hans Schlegel from trying to open the windows in the International Space Station? (Ach komm schon! Nur ein bisschen Luft schnappen!) Well, actually, it looks like he didn't get his wish. He was sick for one of his scheduled spacewalks.
Schlegel, 56, was diagnosed with an undisclosed illness as the shuttle docked with the space station.You know what that means. Kreislaufstörung.
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Saturday, May 17, 2008
German Woman Have Breasts
Allen High School German students get an eyeful.
"Oh, it was obvious. Naked women, you know, breasts, right out there in your face. ... It's shocking."Jeez, get a grip lady. The picture in the video leads me to believe that you are exaggerating just a bit. I often forget that a lot of Americans are prude like this, that nude female breasts are a big scandalous deal. In most of the world, breasts just sorta...happen or something. Someone should give these people a subscription to the Bild Zeitung. Hmm, then again, maybe not. These people can't afford to be any dumber than they already are.
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Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Saufen, Grillen, Spazieren, Streichen
Last weekend was a 3-dayer in Germany. The reason was Pentecost. For some reason, in Germany, where, according to Spiegel, less than half of the population believes in life after death, the day when the Holy Spirit filled the Apostles with wisdom and cloves of fire danced on their heads, is a holiday. Actually, it is probably the day that the apostles got their hands on some really good shit and decided to have a rave in the desert, but here at Chillmost.com, we don't question the wisdom or motives of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is our strong faith in the Creator that keeps us on the path of righteousness and helps us resist the wickedness. Heathen concepts such as evolution, the fossil record and carbon dating, have no place here, even though they may be based on insurmountable logic and evidence deduced by the very brains the Good Lord gave us. God put the dinosaur bones under the dirt to test our faith. Amen.
So anyway, like I was saying, It was a 3-day weekend.
Friday night I swung by the Hausbar. I've been going there a bit more then usual because it is one of the few bars in Lüneburg with good music - Seriously, where else in Lüneburg are you gonna hear Waylon Jennings, Bonnie Prince Billy and Brian Eno within 10 minutes? While I was there, I met a musician called Jamison Young. He's Australian, based in Prague and living in Oslo. After having a very long and in-depth discussion about publishing rights and Creative Commons, we walked around Lüneburg a bit more to a few other pubs. He said he needed a place to stay the night. After determining that he wasn't some psychotic drifter that would stab me in my sleep and steal all my stuff, I let him crash on my couch. I slept upstairs with one eye open. Go to his site and listen to some tunes. You can download them for free.
On Saturday, he bought me breakfast and headed on his way. He had a show that night somewhere in Belgium and had a train to catch. In the afternoon, Jens, Steffi, Meike and I drove out to Bleckede and had a picnic/BBQ under a huge tree right on the bank of the Elbe river. The Grilleimer was in full effect. In the evening we all went to Schröder's Biergarten for a drink. It was a fine time.
On Sunday, Mother's Day, we went with Meike's parents out to the Wiesen Café in Natendorf/Oldendorf II (I guess they can't decide what village they are in) for Kaffee und Kuchen. If you are unfamiliar with German culture, you may not be familiar with the concept of Kaffee und Kuchen. Every Sunday afternoon in every café in Germany, it is time for Kaffee und Kuchen. Seriously, don't keep a German from their goddamn Kaffee und Kuchen. If you are vomiting blood in the middle of a German café on a Sunday afternoon and need immediate medical attention, you are shit out of luck, dude. Not until the last Tropf of Kaffee has been geschluckt is anybody going to give a fuck about you and your problem. If you have the misfortune of being with a German on a Sunday afternoon with no café in the vicinity, you may get you arm gnawed off or, at the least, have to deal with a very surly German.
On Monday, I painted over graffiti on the exterior of our house and caulked silicone sealant around my shower. It was exciting. Afterwards my hands and arms were covered in silicone and I spent hours getting it off of me. It was like peeling thousands of stubborn boogers off of my skin.
Then I went to Candy Mountain.
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Saturday, May 10, 2008
Uh, how much to show us your thingies?
I dunno, it sounds like bullshit. If I was 13, stole my dad's credit card and was holed up in a hotel room with $3,000 cash and some high class hookers, I'm pretty sure I would have thought of better ways to pass the time other than playing Xbox.
Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them...creative, but you still fail, loser.
...Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician.Well, something tells me he's on the fast track. Maybe a politician can mentor him and show him what hookers are for.
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Thursday, May 08, 2008
Tellin' it like it is.
My Lüneburger pal and skate rat, Bastian, hipped me to a new blog, Nothing For Ungood. It is written by an American who basically tells it how it is in Germany from an American point of view. Sort of. For example, did you know that 100% of Germans hate root beer? Or that 100% of Germans hate air conditioning with a passion?
Really, it is everything this blog wishes it could be, but is not.
Oh, the lulz.
Check out my flickr page.
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Friday, April 25, 2008
Your Papers, Please
In the span of one week I was pulled over twice by the cops. I wasn't doing anything wrong but they were just picking random people and hassling them looking for drugs and whatnot. It's what they call an Allgemeine Verkehrskontrolle.
The first instance was last Tuesday morning while driving through the lovely village of Wetzen on my way to work at 8:45. They checked my papers and stuff and asked me when the last time I had done drugs. I don't know what on Earth would make them think I have ever done them at all, but I answered with the totally truly truthful answer of, "Hmmm, let's see. This is 2008......Hmmmm....Years ago." He kinda gave me one of those "yeah, right" looks. I don't understand why. He also wanted to know if I had drunk alcohol within the last 24 hours. Nein. It was two cops. The older cop was about my age and the younger one looked like his voice just changed and it was his very first day on the job. They said thanks and I was on my way.
The second instance was last Saturday night on the way back from Hamburg. The police blocked the entire Autobahn and diverted all the cars into a rest-stop and ordered them to park. They were checked for proper license and registration, first-aid kit, Warndreieck and signs of drugs and alcohol.
German cops think it is funny if you say things like, "I'm reaching into my glove compartment", or "May I exit the vehicle?" He asked to see my Warndreieck (which I stupidly keep in the trunk, affording them a look without needing a warrant Say, what are all those bricks wrapped in duct tape?). When I asked to get out he replies, "Sure, we're not in America." Uh, ha ha ha. "I know, but I am American and that's how I do it." *looks at my license* "Ahhhhh. Alles Klar. That's why you are acting so cautious."
"How long have you been in Germany?"
"Almost 7 Years."
"You speak very good German."
Usually my standard answer to this remark is, "So do you". However, considering that we were engaged in this idle chitchat while he was getting the breathalyzer machine set up, I decided to just say thanks.
Needless to say, I passed the breathalyzer with flying colors.
Good thing they didn't do a cavity check though.
Zing!!
I kid, I kid. War nur ein Witz!
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Fo' Schnitzel, Mein Nitzel
You know how American celebrities do strange advertising campaigns in foreign countries? Snoop is no exception.
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